23/02/11So I've been thinking, why am I keeping a blog ? I don't expect people to read it, I don't write very well, it doesnt flow so to speak. I don't even know what attitude to take in my writing. Is my life a story ? Are these simply thoughts and feelings? Should it be full of emotion or merely factual. I don't know. What I do know is that it helps and part of me thinks maybe in a few years I will look back on what we've been through as a family with disbelief. Hmmmm
So I'm sitting on a rather uncomfy bed watching nates sats go up and down. Waiting for him to settle on his nippy ventilator so I can relax. I am wound so tight. I keep getting hit with memory's in the form of emotions- when they told us Nate was unusual looking and probably had a serious genetic disease, when they looked at him asa puzzle, when I saw him in the incubator, when they quietly moved me rooms away from the mothers who had normal babies lying next to them, when I had to leave hospital without him, pushing myself to express milk like it could cure him, getting him home, exhaustion feeding him by ng tube at 3am taking turns with dh, getting told his chromosomes were normal, finding out he needed ventilator at night and being terrified when he turned blue, being even more terrified when he did the same at home and saying "my baby has stopped breathing" to the 999 operator,sitting by his cot during illness, finding he didn't have 2 life limiting genetic disorders, watching him grow and play with toys, watching him go from tube fed to bottle to solids, realising he had started to be able to see as he truely smiled at my face, the joy when he reaches and grabs my face and twists my chin....
Yes this is why I'm doing it. I need to remember it all good or bad.
So I'm sitting on a rather uncomfy bed watching nates sats go up and down. Waiting for him to settle on his nippy ventilator so I can relax. I am wound so tight. I keep getting hit with memory's in the form of emotions- when they told us Nate was unusual looking and probably had a serious genetic disease, when they looked at him asa puzzle, when I saw him in the incubator, when they quietly moved me rooms away from the mothers who had normal babies lying next to them, when I had to leave hospital without him, pushing myself to express milk like it could cure him, getting him home, exhaustion feeding him by ng tube at 3am taking turns with dh, getting told his chromosomes were normal, finding out he needed ventilator at night and being terrified when he turned blue, being even more terrified when he did the same at home and saying "my baby has stopped breathing" to the 999 operator,sitting by his cot during illness, finding he didn't have 2 life limiting genetic disorders, watching him grow and play with toys, watching him go from tube fed to bottle to solids, realising he had started to be able to see as he truely smiled at my face, the joy when he reaches and grabs my face and twists my chin....
Yes this is why I'm doing it. I need to remember it all good or bad.
No comments:
Post a Comment