Well, I had my first session today. I self referred and it has taken 4 months to actually begin. I felt I needed to talk things through. To find a coping strategy as, to be honest, I can go weeks feeling superhuman, like I can take on the world. But then i come back to earth with a crash. Every hospital appointment leaves me drained. Fighting for everything Nate needs in life leaves me drained. Nothing is straightforward. I feel near to depressed sometimes, and this frightens me. Not depressed because of Nate being different, but everything that comes with it. On top of this I think I've mentioned before that I am feeling really weird about Nates birthday. It's hard to explain. And this is the last thing I discussed in my session today. I feel sad about it. Why the hell do I feel sad about Nate turning one? At various points over the last year it seemed that this momentous occasion wouldnt even happen. So why am I sad? And why do I suspect I will totally fall apart around his birthday?
I've done some thinking today and ive come up with several possibilities.
- I'm still traumatised by his birth and him being taken away. I never had that time after the birth when all the family stand round ooing and arhing at a newborn and demand a hold. And I am bitter and angry about this. I feel we ALL missed out. I also can't watch one born every minute or other birth things because of this. I resent missing that special time. Our time after his birth, that first weekend in particular was unfucking believably awful. Scuse language. At the time I wished I could fast forward 6months and see how he was doing. I look back now and know if the me back then could see him as he is now, I would have coped a lot better! God I'm actually feeling shakey and teary thinking about it.
- I'm sad in general about how his first year has gone. We've missed so much with frequent hospital stays, worrying about diagnoses etc. I'm sad about what he's had to go through, the MRIs, the xrays, the blood tests, the ultrasounds, the apnoea episodes and resuscitation.
- I'm sad because this wasn't how things were supposed to go.
Well as I have a stropy 4 yr old wanting a cuddle, and a crying teething baby I have been brought back to the here and now, better get on with things. Can't complain at an opportunity to snuggle both the kiddies :)
I really hope the counselling helps - I couldn't talk about Smiley's birth for years without shaking and I still can't watch programmes likes One Born Every Minutes either ((hugs))
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