I find myself feeling optimistic. And I hate it. Optimism terrifies me. I feel it opens us up for a mighty fall. A shock. A blow. A sucker punch. Optimism would mean I wouldn't be prepared for such a thing. I would curl up on my bed and sob with gut wrenching pain ( again) and I panic that I couldn't cope. With such important appointments approaching I know I could walk in and face devastating news.
But am I doing Nate a disservice? I have always promised to celebrate his achievements-I shouldn't let my own fears hold me back. Should I? He's coping so well off oxygen. He's so happy and alert and, well, just lush and I want people to know and see that.
I can't wait to take Nate to his groups without nasal cannula stuck to his face. I can't wait for everyone to notice and tell him how clever he is. This could be his " moment" the walking moment, talking moments etc we probably won't get so I should be dancing about not nervously chewing my nails!
Honestly sometimes I'm my own worst enemy. But I know my son. Rules mean nothing to him and steps forward can easily turn to leaps backward.
He's reached so many milestones already, and will reach many more! It wasn't so very long ago you were saying he may never smile, but if his grin doesn't fill you with optimism I don't know what will!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the appointments coming up, will be thinking of you x
Nearly choked on my garlic break reading that! Made me sob a bit. 100% understand you. Your definitely not doing Nate a disservice i think the way you are feeling is totally natural. Big hugs xx
ReplyDeleteI soooooo soooo understand that. I sometimes feel like I am be ing punished for getting excited and being optimistic. The fall from a place of hope is so much greater and so much harder to handle than if you never had any expectations anyway. I am resolutely refusing to count how many days we've been free from the you-know-who monster. Just in case he comes back to bite me on the ass for getting to cocky and ahead of myself. Nate is doing - you know - alright, not so bad etc (trying not to jump for joy, get excited or use any words that might seem like too much praise, hope or optimism) and you are proud and you are celebrating his acheiements. You are not doing him a disservice! You are doing a fabulous job and not letting that nagging fear hold you back. It hasn't stopped you trying, it hasn't stopped you taking prod photos and sharing them, or from keeping the diary or from taking him out, without nasal cannulas up to Theas school. You are rightly proud of his acheivements, just not shouting it from the roof tops yet, just in case. And that's fine. Big big massive hugs from me and the boys xxx
ReplyDeleteThis is why I worry about things that might never happen :-$. Allowing yourself to be happy & optimistic is really scary & can feel like tempting fate! Thanks for sharing these feelings. I bet many of us on similar roller-coaster journeys with our special needs children have them xx
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