On competitive parenting

I've been annoyed again this week ( no shock there) at a particular article in the Daily Fail, which I will not link to. I'm sure you know the one I mean. The one that criticises "slummy mummy" bloggers for swigging wine and gin, despairing at their parenting skills and being generally horrified at all the shit their offspring get up to. It gave a few examples and suggested we should feel shame at our actions. Quoted was a "boob out" situation one blogger went through when the delivery man knocked at the door due to expressing milk (I can give that a ☑️ although i was "airing" a sore breastfeeding nipple and it was the postie) and feeding frozen fish fingers to their child ( I'm pretty sure this was said as a joke, I'm equally sure me blending the shit out of cooked fish fingers and tube feeding my child them wouldn't go down well either). 

"Heaven forbid you should let slip any sign of pride, standards or pushiness", says a condescending Anna May Mangan ( which amuses me greatly as an ex science teacher when my phone auto corrects her to manganese). What really erks me with any of such sanctimonious shit is that parenting is fucking hard. Really fucking hard. When I had my daughter my biggest problem was the pressure I put on myself to do everything "right". I felt that society was constantly judging me and wanting me to do more. This little girl needed me to do better. I had difficulty bonding after a long and crappy birth, then struggled to breast feed. I spiralled into depression. I think she was 18 months before I felt like I was actually coping. I wish I had known there were people out there struggling like I was, questioning their decisions, or just thinking "fuck it" and having a glass of wine. 

 It's ok to be proud. I'm endlessly proud of my daughter but ( I hope) that I balance this with comments about temper tantrums and all the times she pisses me off, because, you know, honesty and all that. My daughter has coped with an awful lot over the last 7 years. Do I go on about it?  Hmm maybe...

http://theaandnatesmam.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/a-letter-to-my-daughter.html?m=0

But no one is perfect. I see some "Facebook perfect" lives and simply assume they are either the most boring people on the planet, or consummate liars. I love modern mummy bloggers for their honesty. Looking back it would have been therapeutic to have those blogs to read through my dark times of PND when I was having CBT, and this is probably what pisses me off most about the article. 

As a mother the pressure starts when you are pregnant:

Make a birthing plan 

Eat this don't eat that. 

You can't do that

Sleep while you can 

Breast is best. 

Have a natural labour. 

I wouldn't have an epidural 

Then when they are born:

Breast is best 

Sleep when they sleep

Wean at this age

Make your own food

Are they not sitting, crawling, walking talking yet? 

I lost my baby weight in ....

You're back at work already? 

In my day we didn't 

I wouldn't do it like that

I think you should...

Everyone has something to say, and opinions they feel that they simply MUST share. Wouldn't it be great if instead of being judgy judgersons we supported each other as mothers and acknowledge the fact most of the time we are muddling through parenthood. It's ok to have a glass of wine after a day of snot and tantrums. It's ok to have a fucking messy house. What is the role of lego after all if it's not to produce the first time your child will hear you swear? Never mind their first word, that's a milestone in itself. 

You may be surprised to learn that the special needs community can be equally competitive. This tends to take two distinct forms. 

1- Having the newest equipment, extra therapy/ best rated schooling etc. Which is basically our version of employing tutors, extra curricular activities, and how many languages a mainstreamer can speak aged 6. ( I'm probably guilty of this). In fairness I think this happens because so much of our lives lies beyond our control that we push where we can. 

2- ( much more unpleasant) The "my child is sicker than yours" scenario. We've all met them. You might have been in hospital 2 weeks, they were in a month. Your child might have 3 consultants, theirs have 5. You might have this WAV, they have that one. Your child might have x and y health issues, and z procedures but they need to stress a few more. They think you need to do blank because they do. Honestly. It's dreadful. You might be struggling with blank but OMG they are struggling with so much more. Usually these conversations occur on wards or in social groups with people who barely know you. It's a perverse game of disability top trumps (as my friend Liz has just pointed out). This is not to be confused with times other parents are trying to show that they understand what you are going through by offering up examples from their own lives. The distinction is obvious when it happens. 

What tends to happen is that within the SN community you find like minded individuals and  form smaller groups. For example mine have a fondness for wine and taking the piss out of themselves and each other. You might have very different children but bond over a shared experience, or have children with the same condition and feel an instant connection. 

One devisive point within the additional needs community can be people's take on a poem/ letter by Emily Perl Kingsley called "Welcome to Holland". 

http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html

It pisses me off. It's about how having a child with additional needs is just like planning a holiday to Italy but ending up in Holland instead. Well for a start with I bloody love Holland. I "get" the sentiment behind the letter, about embracing the differences of your child, but it doesn't speak well to parents of children with complex health needs. Many, many, well meaning people over the years have pointed me in the direction of "Welcome to Holland" but I think a far more appropriate comparison to having a child with complex health issues is the first season of Lost. 

You've survived a plane crash but a fucking polar bear keeps trying to eat you. 

Sums it up I think. 

It can be extremely difficult to have a child with additional needs and or / health needs and appreciate the problems parents of neuro typical healthy children face. It can feel like a "them versus us" scenario. But effort needs to be made by both camps to support each other as only mothers can. Disability can happen to anyone and it is important for a fully inclusive society to have a appropriate level of support and understanding. It can feel like the other parents don't understand what we are going through, but unless we talk and make the effort how will they ever know? 

So in summary:

Parenting is hard. 

Avoid the Dharma Initiative