This post is for International Women's Day in an acknowledgement of the effort made by women who are carers. By no means is this intended as an insult to the many highly skilled and brilliant male parent carers out there, but many of the comments detailed below are directed to us mothers specifically, and affect us deeply. Carers, particularly mothers, are marginalised and discriminated against by cuts to health and social care budgets and a lack of affordable and suitably competent childcare providers. So this IWD I'm thinking of the mothers. The carer/nurse/therapist mothers out there. The receivers of:
"I don't know how you do it"
"I couldn't do it"
"You're amazing"
"Didn't you know?"
"Omg you gave him this! How do you cope with that?"
"Have you noticed his unusual/ dysmorphic/ abnormal features?"
"What do you do?"
"So why don't you work?"
"I couldn't work"
"I couldn't let anyone else look after my child especially if they were ill"
"You have people in your house overnight!!!?"
"You need to shout louder"
"You complain too much!"
"How do you have any time for your daughter? Or your relationship?"
"Aren't you having any more children?"
"I wouldn't have any more"
"At least you get a car"
"My sister's brother in law's second cousin has Down's syndrome so I understand"
"Can't they fix him?"
"But he'll get better?"
"I wouldn't put up with that"
"You need to..."
"You need a routine"
"Let them cry"
"I couldn't let them cry"
"Breast is best!" ( If you can yes, but I think you'll find fed is best)
"Urgg I couldn't do that"
"You need to calm down"
"We should do something about this" *gestures to my son's head*
"You need to think about his quality of life"
"I think we should let nature take it's course"
"You look well" (you got fat)
"Have you lost weight?" (you look ill)
"I wouldn't drink"
"You can't go out like that"
"You can't/ shouldn't be feeding him that. That needs to be risk assessed, we can't support you in that"
"We don't do carer's assessments"
"No you can't have respite until he's 8"
"Well we have to follow our procedures and can't do it like you do"
"Mum thinks..."
"This is Nate's mum"
"Mum would like..."
"Mum isn't keen to have samples taken despite what it says in her story" ( utter rubbish. I refused constant clutching at straws testing and the rollercoaster if brought with it)
Over and over again.
Our every decision analysed and picked apart by other women.
Our opinions belittled and discarded by Drs and health professionals, even when it's obvious we know our children best. Typically by male doctors of a certain age.
Our reproductive choices scrutinised and controlled throughout the world by both men in power and those in our lives.
The assumption we are uneducated and naive.
There's a reason so many of us are a crippling ball of anxiety much of the time.
There is a quote often attributed to Betty White ( misatributed) that I love:
"Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding."
In the beginning I found it hard to voice my opinion and disagree with anything we were told about Nate. We were bombarded with information ( mostly awful) from every side. But that first time you say "no actually" is a hugely significant moment. Once the gaping stops that is ( I mean how dare you disagree weak and feeble woman who is just a mother!). From this point on you are that "awkward mother". And that's, sadly, what we need to be much of the time.
You know me, I hate the often self congratulatory shite about coping in the SN world (and how no one understands), but you know what, this once I'll give "us" a pat on the back. Especially those doing it on their own, on 60 odd quid a week carers allowance.
On this International Women's Day I stand with all women, with empathy. Not judgement.
#BeBoldForChange
No mansplaining required.
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