Carer? Career?

What a difference one letter makes 

As you all know I gave up work 2 years ago to be Nate's carer/nurse/therapist/dogsbody. In there, somewhere, hidden away, is being his mother.  

I'll be honest. Since then I have felt embarrassed when people ask "what do you do?" or "Why don't you work?". My feeling becomes that of automatic defensiveness. Government rhetoric has propagated the scrounger mentality and all I can see in my head when I say " oh I gave up work to look after my disabled son" is "scrounger". I get an odd look and an awkward silence which I then feel obliged to fill with a cast iron defence as to why I can't work. Examples include; 

"He's often very ill and in hospital"

"He needs 24hr care"

"The constant appointments made working really difficult"

"His health is unpredictable at best"

"I have no childcare"  ( see the recent parliamentary enquiry into childcare for disabled children http://www.edcm.org.uk/media/155556/parliamentary-inquiry-into-childcare-web.pdf) 

The fact that I feel the need to defend myself is ridiculous. That in itself is possibly a reflection of the lack of self worth and confidence that happens when you become a carer. You start to lose your identity. As a carer you fulfil a vital function but your country thinks you spend your time lazing about. The reality of caring involves days filled with phone calls, appointments, prescription sorting, time in hospital, and if you're lucky a nap ( *lazy klaxon*). If you require any adaptations prepare to loiter around the house during the work, and for the meetings and rep visits beforehand. Everything a typical family could manage to get done on an evening or after school is best achieved during the day. For example even nipping to the shops is a nightmare on my own with the kids and the SN chair. Try preparing tea with a screaming 4 yr old who wants attention/ tube feeding/ meds/ changing. Or do the dishes/ washing/ etc with a child who needs a close eye kept on them. It's trickier than it seems. Yes I know all kids need attention but you can plonk most 4 year olds in front of the TV while you get on with things. It's tricky ok. 

Gradually, however, there's starting to be a few days a week where I don't have anything urgent I need to do. I've found myself thinking "I could do something with this time". I volunteered with Scope to be a befriender, and with SWANUK to be the local networks rep for their pilot, but even so, I still have some time I could spend productively. Not every week mind you, and some weeks I have very little free time at all, but maybe, just maybe I could squeeze in a job that I have trained and qualified in. Whatever I did I would have to be home by the time Nate's taxi arrived back after school ( yes that's right he's going by taxi in September!) 

I made the decision a few weeks ago that  in September I'd go back to work. I'd try supply teaching. I'd do half days and full days when I could. I wouldn't have the contractual planning and marking workload and could have total flexibility. Of course, already Nate has attempted to thwart my plans. So far in the last few weeks we have had 3 nights/ 4 days in hospital, and everyday this week 4.30am wake ups and disturbed nights too. It makes me second guess my plans because quite frankly I am crap without sleep. 

 But I am doing it I am I am. 

Working let's me wear another "hat". albeit temporarily. I can abandon the nurse/carer/dogsbody/mother hats ( until the phone rings that is) and start to remember what being Rachel means, find my identity and attempt to claw back some pride. 

I might have better craic too.