Naturally I look back to his birth with some wobbleyness ( a new word for you). At the time the wondrous euphoria of his birth was quickly met with more and more bad news, more tests, more theories on what was "wrong with him".
What strikes me most about that time is the sheer horror I feel at what that couple ( us) went through. I say " that couple" as we have changed an awful lot in the last 3 years. You can't go through what we did and emerge unscathed. You cant be told the things we were told, watch helpless at his cotside, cry yourself to sleep every night and try to keep on living when truthfully then ( as now) the future is uncertain, and not be changed. There wasn't anything family or friends could do either. Everything felt out of our hands. I like control. I like to plan for all eventualities and this lack of control sent me into a spin I don't think I came out of until Nate was almost 2.
What frustrates me most is that I have been sat looking through his baby photos and instead of nostalgia it brings back feelings of pain and grief. I can't say " oh remember when he did that?" Or "do you remember when we went there?". " look how happy we are" etc...
Don't get me wrong I don't feel sad about "now". I am stunningly happy with Nate and how he is. He amazes me often and just because we aren't celebrating the typical milestones doesn't make me any less proud. I do, however, feel sad looking at the woman on the pictures. I want to give her a hug and show her happy parts of the future.
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